Lisa and I are celebrating our thirty year anniversary this year. We don’t consider ourselves “experts in marriage”, but we do believe that by consistently doing certain things we have built a strong foundation. Perhaps you will be blessed by practicing them as well.
- Stay connected – our schedule often takes us in different directions but we talk all throughout the day. During these times we express our love for one another, listen to what is happening in our respective days, offer each other support and make each other laugh. We probably talk two to three hours a day and we make the most of the time, whether we are face to face or apart.
- Be purposeful in having time alone with one another – we routinely schedule date nights. It is easy to neglect this, but if you want a strong marriage such times are essential. During these times we do a variety of things that we enjoy but the most important aspect is that we are spending time together nourishing our relationship.
- Touch – we hold hands for much of the time that we are together and we hug often. The importance of touch can’t be over-emphasized. It is the physical way of letting your loved one know that they mean so much to you that you want to (and need to) stay physically connected.
- Go out of your way not to fight – I know you may not believe me, but I can’t remember when we last fought. It has probably been more than ten years. This isn’t because we are mealy-mouthed people who just bury our concerns. Instead, I believe it is because we lead the way with love in our relationship. We care so much for one another that the stage is set day in and day out as to how we will relate. So long before we would ever fight, the groundwork is laid for mutual respect, patience, kindness, devotion, forgiveness and acceptance. Those things go a long way to ward off a fight. I know we also both think very carefully about how to approach one another when we are feeling upset about something so that when we do address it, we do it well. I also know that in the back of our minds we are striving to do all that we can to get along and not hurt one another.
- Go out of your way to let your spouse know they are special – outside of your relationship with God, no one (and I mean no one) should be more important to you than your spouse. You are to honor and cherish them above all human relationships. You are to treat them as a precious jewel. There are ways all through the year that we communicate this to one another. We make sure the other person knows that they are first in our book and that no one is going to love them more. Every day your spouse should go to bed knowing in their heart how loved and valued they are by you.
- Never stop working on your relationship – I just finished a book called Love at Last Sight. I recommend that any couple who is married or thinking of getting married read it. We have given several away because we think it is so good! Here is the premise: that a couple should be more in love with each other when they last see each other (on the day of one of their death) than when they first met. This doesn’t come naturally. It takes work. It takes investing in your relationship and evaluating it over time. It means change. It means purposefully building into your relationship. You may ask, “Why would you read a book about marriage when you have been married for thirty years?” The answer? Because we have been married for thirty years and we want to love each other more and more as time goes by.
- Be a team and appreciate one another – this means going out of your way to serve one another and do whatever is necessary to keep your home running well. Neither of you should be so dug into your roles that you are not at a moment’s notice, willing to jump into the other’s shoes. It also means that there is no room for laziness. Step up. Get done what needs to be done. You are a team and living requires much work so don’t look to your spouse to carry the load. Also of great importance is expressing gratitude for all that your spouse does. Tell them regularly that you appreciate the various tasks that they do, day in and day out. Not too long ago, I wrote a note of thanks to my wife for about ten different things that she does regularly. She still has those notes displayed. They mean something to her and she keeps them displayed where she does the task.
There is much more that I could write about this subject, but these seven strong building blocks are a start to a great relationship. Of course none of them get done without their being genuine love for one another, but don’t look for “the love feeling” to be present when you consider doing them. A strong marriage is built on love and commitment. As Yoda said, “Don’t think! Do!” (Yes, I just quote Yoda in my blog…).
Whether you are married or not, much of what I have shared will serve you in a variety of relationships. I pray that you are blessed by the words I have offered.
Let us love one another as Christ loved (and loves) the church.
Rob